You can know what you want. You can even know all the little steps to make a big goal happen. But did you know that the single most important ingredient in personal success is having a strong social support system? And naturally, it’s the most important while also being the most complicated. #OppositionInAllThings, I guess.
As much as we need each other to succeed, it can feel like there’s also a need for each other to fail.
For example, have you ever had a weight loss goal and felt that some people didn’t support you or even tried to sabotage your efforts? Or maybe you decided to implement strategies to improve your family relationships and found that talking about it seemed to annoy friends or extended family members? Have you ever gone for a promotion or tried to change careers and found that some of your friends or colleagues seem to resent your ambition?
Why do people struggle to support their loved-ones?
We are social creatures, but we are also creatures of habit. We like things to feel safe. For some reason, the status quo feels the safest, especially where other people fit into our lives. It’s easy to wish people well while also hoping they’d stay the same. This contradictory compulsion is unfortunately natural and mostly subconscious. But that doesn’t make it any less frustrating when you are on the receiving end of another’s subconscious hook pulling you back.
The standard, so-called “wisdom” of the day is to “cut the toxic people out of you’re life.” This has always struck me as over-simplistic and unnecessarily drastic. When abuse is in play, creating firm boundaries and removing yourself from the situation is the right and brave thing to do. That being said, frequently, the people labeled “toxic” are just people struggling with something that you can address together. You truly can build a powerful support system, regardless of these difficulties.
If someone seems unsupportive of the space you’re making for yourself in the world, that doesn’t mean they are “toxic” or suddenly bad for you. And still, there’s no reason for either of you to sit in that unsupportive space.
Here are 4 ways to deal with the unsupportive people in your life.
#1 Identify the role they play in your life.
Who are the people that make it hardest for you to change your life? Are they close to you? Good friends? Family members? A spouse or long-term partner? Or are they people you’d put into the acquaintance category?
If you’re getting negative feedback from an acquaintance, the best thing you can do is remove the burden of your plans from their shoulders. Take the negative feedback you get from them as a sign that they are not currently ready or capable or interested in taking on a supportive role in your life. This is perfectly understandable. After all, you’ve likely felt similarly toward someone in your life without meaning offense. Keep those people where they are, in the space of small talk, and know that’s okay.
One thing that’s great about acquaintances who aren’t interested in your success is they highlight those who are. And those who are interested are worth looking at twice. Those are the people you should build a mutually-beneficial support system with.
If the unsupportive person is someone you have a deep emotional tie to, it can feel hurtful when they don’t rush to support you. This brings us to point two.
#2 Honestly and calmly address the issue.
Don’t wait until you’re angry or actively hurt. Do it when you notice their resistance to your plans a couple of times. If you’re already angry/hurt, do what you have to do to let the anger go and approach them with compassion.
It’s human nature to want people to be reliable. Your desire to make changes in your life might have triggered an unconscious fear they have that you will change in a way that threatens your relationship. This fear may seem irrational, but its foundation is in reality.
Relationships, especially those we are not born into, are often based on shared experiences and interests. Suppose you are working to lose weight and improve fitness, but you have an important relationship initially founded on the mutual enjoyment of unhealthy habits. In that case, that person may reasonably fear that your changes threaten your connection. This does not mean that you need to give up your ambitions to protect the relationship. It does mean that you may want to sit them down and express that you love and enjoy them for many reasons.
Have an open and honest conversation that keeps them feeling safe enough to share their concerns without offending you. Remember, they feel just as threatened, if not more so, than you do.
Keep it calm, keep it honest, and keep it emotionally safe.
#3 Know when to cut someone loose.
This is not the same as cutting a “toxic” person out of your life. This is understanding when a loved one might need to be just outside of your support system for a while. You can love and enjoy someone who’s not in the right mental or emotional space to hold you up while you do something difficult.
This fact can feel particularly tense when that person is a spouse/committed partner. We live in a culture that tells us that our partner’s job is to take care of our needs. But that’s simply untrue. We have to understand and expect that even the most important person in our lives will not always be capable of being the primary support we need. That has to be okay.
In situations where our go-to person isn’t available, we need to do the work to find those who can be.
This, of course, comes with a caveat: when a marriage/committed relationship is involved, it is paramount that when you look for support, you never go to someone you could find yourself attracted to.
Perhaps you didn’t see this caveat coming. Yet, it feels essential for me to emphasize. Affairs generally start when we reach outside of committed relationships to someone who could replace our partners in some way. If you’re a heterosexual woman, for example, do not turn to a man for support (unless he’s your father or brother).
Back to the main point:
The temptation when your go-to person isn’t available can be to try and go it alone. You may feel you need to hold the goals and hopes you have close to your chest. But the fact of the matter is that you need other people. If you remain silent and alone in your ambitions, they will fizzle out and die.
#4 Find a supportive community, even if it’s online
Research suggests that you need between two and twelve people who support your aspirations to bring them into reality. That can feel like a tall order, especially if you look around and can’t find many people willing to support you.
Luckily, we live in a world filled with opportunities to build communities outside of the physical spaces we inhabit. It’s ideal to have a friend or group of people you can meet up with and chat about progress. But if that’s not possible (especially in the middle of a pandemic), online is a great space to turn.
Facebook has countless groups that can be relevant to your goal-achieving needs, and they’re free. Flourish First has a Facebook group for women who want a space to bounce ideas around with other thoughtful women. Similarly, Michael Hyatt has a Facebook group dedicated to the Full Focus Planner method of goal achievement (no need to be a planner owner to join). There are endless others for any goal you could want to pursue.