It might be that guy with the side-eye who sits in the cubicle kiddy-corner to you. Or it might be that mom at the park whose kids always look perfect even after playing outside all afternoon. It’s hard to avoid worrying about what others might be thinking of you and your less-than-stellar sales stats or your kid eating their “green nose friends” in front of God and all creation.
Even when you’re feeling confident, one pointed comment about your side-parted hair and skinny jeans making you look old from a 16-year old can make you wonder “am I not effortlessly cool anymore?” (Was that too specific of an example? I’m asking for a friend…)
So, how do we stop? Stop worrying about what people might be thinking? Stop questioning if we’re measuring up? Stop comparing and contrasting ourselves with others and their accomplishments?
Here are 5 perspective-shifting ways to let go of the worry and embrace life as you.
#1. Remember: People Probably Aren’t Thinking that Much about You
People are self-centered, just like you. By that, I mean everyone spends most of their time thinking about themselves, their families, and their problems.
You may worry that they’re thinking about you, but chances are, they are wondering if you have opinions on how they’re living their lives.
#2. Everyone’s Values are a Little Different
If someone expresses an opinion about your life, it’s probably not something they’ve given all that much thought to—if at all. Snap judgments are the relational plague of humankind. Remember, others’ opinions are based on their beliefs, experiences, and behavior, not yours. So, their ideas might seem absurd to you anyway. More importantly, what’s right for them may be terrible for you and vice versa.
As much as life may feel like a competition, it isn’t. Each of us can only do what we judge to be best for our unique circumstances. So, what other people think really shouldn’t matter much.
#3. Start Investing More in Others
This works on two levels. First, you get the benefit of getting out of your head and your problems for a little while. Second, your genuine interest and investment in others will warm them to you and lead to more mutual positive feelings.
Research has shown that the surest way to create sustaining happiness and confidence is in the building of meaningful relationships. To build meaningful relationships, we each must take a genuine interest in one another.
The famed happiness researcher Gretchen Rubin recounted on her podcast a story about her daughter Eliza. When Eliza was in kindergarten, Gretchen tried to help her learn how to make friends. She suggested simple questions the child could ask others on the playground. “Maybe you could ask, ‘what’s your favorite color’ or ‘what kind of candy do you like?’” Eliza looked at her mother and replied, “but I like when people ask me those things.”
Don’t we all, Eliza don’t we all.
Be the Oprah of your world.
Everyone likes when others take a genuine interest in their lives. So, be the person who takes an interest, a real, active interest. It doesn’t need to be with everyone you encounter, but find people in your various environments and make an effort. Not only will you feel better and more engaged, but so will they. It’ll be fun, you’ll get a dopamine boost together.
Love begets love, trust begets trust.
Best of all, investing in others creates a genuine bond of appreciation between the two of you. That bond generates trust and affection. That’s the beauty of building a strong community. Once you’ve formed meaningful relationships, you’ll worry less about what people might be thinking because you’ll have the confidence that there are more than enough people thinking positively about you.
#4. Live with Intention
There’s power in knowing why you do what you do. You have a reason behind everything you do, even if you don’t consciously know what it is all the time. But I promise a reason is there.
The better you understand your reasons (aka “whys”) the more control you’ll have over them. The more control you have over your whys, the more confidence you’ll have. The confidence that comes from living with intention allows you to let go of what others think.
So, live with intention. Take the time and put in the effort to live on purpose, with purpose.
#5. Self-Evaluate
When I was little and complained that someone was thinking badly of me, my mom used to say, “those who think that others think badly about them are often those who think badly about others.”
Of course, there are exceptions to this “rule”—but you’ll do yourself no favors if you assume you’re the exception. Look internally and ask yourself, “why am I worried about this? Why do I believe others have negative opinions of me?”
Assuming that someone else is harshly judging you is a harsh judgment of them.
Even if you know that someone thinks negatively of you, it’s worth checking in with yourself to find out why it bothers you. Do you believe what they think? Does it define you in some way? What can you reasonably do to get to the point where you can honestly know that any negative assumption about you isn’t true? What can you do internally to learn to honestly shrug it off?